Not Just Another Monday

It's not just another Monday.  It is, in fact, the last Monday of full time work. 

WHOA!!!

I knew this day was coming but I am FREAKING OUT that it is here.  There is so much change and transition on the horizon and let me tell you...

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.

To Love & to Lose

As we are planning and packing for our move.  Know that I love you and that you have impacted my life more than I would have ever thought.  

The process of see you later is a hard one....but as they say....It is better to have loved and lost.

Your complaining is annoying

You know the story.

Girl is married with 2 kids under 3.
Girl's 3 year old was sick the full week of Thanksgiving.
Girl's job is ending in 5 weeks.
Girl is moving in 5 weeks.
Girl is bored with work.
Girl is starting new adventures.

She is OVERWHELMED!!!

Geez.  Could something else be thrown into transition.  Yep.  Something else could.

Over the last few days I have been so completely and utterly complainy.  If not out loud than definitely in my head. 

"Oh my gosh!  I've got so much to do.  Daycare will be done in 2 weeks.  We need someone to watch the boys while we finish work.  We need to pack. We need to get rid of stuff.  What furniture are we going to take?  What date will we move? What do we need to get done?  What's for dinner?"

BLAH!!

Rejected by my husband

The days are like anything else. Completely normal, but the week was definitely busy.  We have two little ones and a lot going on.  Almost every night that week I was out of the house.  

He and I are in a weird season of life.  A lot of transition.  Many things unknown and up in the air, and again...two little ones.  (The 3 year old Politician is non-stop.  Non stop moving and TALKING)

That particular day I was feeling pretty disconnected from My Dude.  We had texted a couple times throughout the work day.  Checking in.  Trying to talk through a couple of things that were on our plate.  And communicating some things that I needed.

That night I was a Friday and I was finally home.  I decided to do the dishes and to put the boys down since I had been gone so much that week.  So after all of that it was nearing 10 p.m. and I finally went to hang out with My Dude.  Except, when I got downstairs to where he was he said to me

"Just go to bed.  You've been gone all week and I just want to watch tv."

Ummmm.  Ok.  

"And all that stuff you mentioned earlier...I'm just not feeling like doing it.  I need stuff too, you know."

REJECTED

Fail Well & Fail Often

Earlier this week I was listening to a podcast with Brooke Castillo that got me thinking about failure.  And of course my ears perked up when she looked up the definition.  

Failure: the omission of expected or required action

She explained how if failure is an a lack of met expectation..one that we set...that maybe failure shouldn't be such a scary thing.

About a year ago I decided I wanted to teach people about a natural health option.  My expectations were low and realistic. And I entered this new avenue with all the safety that I needed.  Two full time incomes and the ability to explore.  What I didn't expect was all of the self talk that I became more and more aware of.  The things that we tell ourselves without even knowing it. 

All I want to do is cry

You know that moment when the thing that you've wanted for so long finally comes true and all you can do is

CRY...

Wait.  What?

About 6.5 years ago the Dude and I moved from Texas back to Kansas.  We are both originally from the Kansas City area and were thrilled to be closer.  Living 2 hours away from home seemed like nothing.  We could go to KC and back home in one day if we wanted.

All seemed right.

But I don't know how...

Starting this post I decided to look up two words:

Intimacy & Vulnerability

Intimacy: Close familiarity or friendship; closeness

This definition was not to shocking.  And actually, it didn't quite give me that feeling of what I wanted to express.  Then came vulnerability.

Vulnerability: 1. Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded 2. Open to attack or damage

Ahhhhh. There it is.  That's what I was looking for.

What you see

And they think I'm so perfect.

Please. Don't be fooled.

Mixed in with this smile, optimism, and extroverted personality is a regular girl.  A girl with stuff.  You know. Real crap. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do try, but I still

Overeat
Feel apathy
PROCRASTINATE
Listen to those old stupid messages playing in my head
I perceive things that just aren't true.
I desire more
I fight to care
I cry
My heart breaks
I think mean things
I say bad words
I check out 
I do things I know I shouldn't

The shallow fill

A job I love.  Well, liked anyway.  It was good.  I worked at a coffee shop and had the BEST customers. Everyday I was behind that counter was in general, a good day.

I WAS ON.

I'm an extrovert and as much as I shy away from individual attention (see Insignificance) I love performing. But not that regular performing.  I grew up singing but am mostly terrified of solo performances....yeah...I don't know.  It's complicated.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, performing. I love it.  I loved hearing things like

"Shalaun, you make my drink the best"
"I love coming here!"

Or simply having a great interaction where we were slammed and the drinks were being delivered in a short amount of time and to happy guests.  

I WAS ON.

The one way to get everything you've ever wanted

When I was growing up I never had grand ideas of how I wanted my life to go and the older I got the easier it was to figure out what I wanted.

Like a lot of Americans I started my journey at 18, two hours away from home, and all alone on the new adventure of college.  And although several people in my extended family attended college, I was hoping to be the first one to graduate.  

College was good.  I got a job as a Resident Assistant and worked in housing the rest of my college career after freshman year.  My mom and I made 3 payments a semester towards tuition.  My family would help me out here and there in ways that I would have never imagined.  And the coveted mail box was filled weekly with letters from the boy at home (later to become My Dude).  It was good.  The only goal I had was to finish.

Halfway through my 4th year I started to feel it.  

Pressure.

Are you sad and pathetic? Maybe!

30 times over the last couple months people have asked me what The Politician will be for Halloween.  And every time I answer the same thing.

“Ha.  Nothing.”

Sometimes I get that quick weird pause.  Other times I go directly into explaining why we haven’t done Halloween in his 3 years of life.  And the reason is because…

I’m THAT mom.

I Love Getting High

There is something so true about me that I never want to stop doing.

I want to get high.  I want to get high every day.  I want to chase that high for the rest of my life.

I started getting high about 3 years ago but had not fully

I mean seriously. It's Wednesday people!

It's cute, and sweet, but lets be honest.  Your house doesn't really look like that and neither does mine.

Well yes.  On occasion, like when I'm off from work for a week, my kids are with the grandparents and I've already had 2 days of sleep, then yes.  I'll really clean.  And we all know that it feels AMAZING.  

I have this board on pinterest called "It's a mood" which are pictures of things that invoke that feeling of joy.  So this. This is what I want my house to look like.

Where did you go?

There’s this crazy little lie running rampant in our culture…and it’s only going to get worse. We can do it all, they told us. 

But what do you want?  What do you really need?

A few months ago a friend of mine posted the following on Facebook.

Priorities...
1. God
2. My husband
3. My daughter
4. Work

I said “Don’t forget yourself” and her response was “Lol, oh yeah, and her! :)

Free to...You decide

I recently attended a conference.  At the beginning of this conference I decided that I wouldn’t let anyone or anything influence my experience.  I showed up for me.  On the first night of this conference the woman at the front of the room asked some questions and made some statements that hit me like a ton of bricks.

-You are the author of your story.

As she continued to explain, she pointed out that we were all in charge of our lives.  She gave us permission to take responsibility for our stories and to create a new path 

for our lives.  Next she said

Choosing Contentment

When I was 22 years old I had just graduated college from a small University in southeast Kansas.  Luckily for me I had a job lined up in the Great State of Texas. All I wanted was to be in the same state as My Dude.  We had spent the last 4.5 years dating long distance (best thing that ever happened to us…remind me to tell you about that later) and I couldn’t wait to be closer to him.  Things were so simple then.  I had no one else to consider or worry about.  Just concerned about my life and where it was going. 

Over the next few years we had more and more friends that were getting married, buying houses, getting new cars.  You know the story.  And somewhere in that time from 2004 to 2006 the comparison disease grew.  Looking more and more at what others had and comparing my life and where we were at to our friends and how far ahead they seemed to be.

....and that doesn't change anything

I weigh 230lbs

I wear a size 18 pants and XL shirt

I'm 5 feet 8 inches tall

As I lay in bed last night thinking about the truth of these statements, I had the thought.  So what does that mean?  I was aware over the next 5 minutes that playing in my mind were all the things I "should" feel about it. 

Why?

Insignificance

I struggle with insignificance.

There it is. In black and white.  A little truth about me.  Just seeing that sentence makes me want to slowly move over to the corner of the room.  And the other part of me wants so desperately to be seen.

A few years ago I was up early one morning reading Jillian Michael’s book Unlimited, and I can’t specifically remember what I was reading (though I may look later), when all of a sudden it hit me.  INSIGNIFICANCE.  I paused and thought.

Real Good

You know that moment?  That fleeting moment when your trying to do the right thing.  I know it's so hard to recognize.  For most of us it doesn't last long enough to even register, and when it does we do something amazing.  We create.  Yes.  I had that moment.  That moment when the universe paused long enough for me to create.  And this time I did it.  I made something I could be proud of.

Real Crazy

Ahhhh children.  Beautiful gifts from God.  Really they are. And sometimes this beautiful gifts drive me NUTS!!!

I. MEAN. REALLY. 

My oldest is only 2 but I just feel like he might be what I was like at 14.  Hormones raging. Wanting to eat a little bit of everything in the house.  And oh, did I mention the WHINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty sure it's going to send me somewhere I really don't want to go.

In the meantime we tag team the crazy.  Me and the Dude.  And we get it done.  It's like that professional tag team wrestling.

Real Temptation

So I've been on this whole...eliminate sugar from your diet...blah blah blah.  Well needless to say it could be going better, but who can blame me.  I work full time, have two little cuties, a cool husband and oh yeah, lots to do!  So sometimes you just got to have a little sugar. And so I did.  But I'm into this whole "yeah, I'll make a deal with myself". You know. The reward system.  Well after a full gallon of water I enjoyed this SCRUMPTIOUS BROWNIE.  It was heavenly.