The shallow fill

A job I love.  Well, liked anyway.  It was good.  I worked at a coffee shop and had the BEST customers. Everyday I was behind that counter was in general, a good day.

I WAS ON.

I'm an extrovert and as much as I shy away from individual attention (see Insignificance) I love performing. But not that regular performing.  I grew up singing but am mostly terrified of solo performances....yeah...I don't know.  It's complicated.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, performing. I love it.  I loved hearing things like

"Shalaun, you make my drink the best"
"I love coming here!"

Or simply having a great interaction where we were slammed and the drinks were being delivered in a short amount of time and to happy guests.  

I WAS ON.

I constantly felt good about the work I did.  I have, you know, "good work ethic"....or so I thought.

Now lets be clear. In general I do have good work ethic. But some time around that whole, figuring out I had an issue with insignificance, I started to see the work that I did in a different light.  I started noticing how very very good I felt about coming to work.  But the crappy part was that it didn't last. 

I would leave. Feeling great about my day, or the rush, or my performance only to go home and try to relive it. To stay in that great moment of accomplishment.  And then I would return to work the next day to fill up again.  And the great part about not knowing what you're doing is that it feels good.  Until you realize it's a shallow fill.  That's how we get stuck.  I thought that I just loved these parts of my job, and I did.  But I loved it because I felt needed.  It gave me some sense of worth.  And so I showed up ready to perform for the accolades.  

Worth: The value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration; the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.

And I felt worth because of the job I did.  not simply because I am worthy all by myself.  And so became the journey I am currently on.  To find myself worth simply because I am alive and to find it within myself, and not because of external factors. 

As with most of the things I write about, they are spurred on by the people I observe in my life.  I look around and see a theme.  The similarities between us.  A theme of searching.  Of looking for something greater to become.  To get off of the stage of performance and to find real significance in our lives and to pursue that.


My shallow fill is work and appreciation of it.  What's yours?