....and that doesn't change anything

I weigh 230lbs

I wear a size 18 pants and XL shirt

I'm 5 feet 8 inches tall

As I lay in bed last night thinking about the truth of these statements, I had the thought.  So what does that mean?  I was aware over the next 5 minutes that playing in my mind were all the things I "should" feel about it. 

Why?

Feeling any of those thoughts doesn't change anything.  The fact still remains that I am 230lbs.  So what's the big deal? The “big deal” is that my thoughts tend to be based on the perception of others. But I have a choice.  Do I believe it?

It's so very normal to feel that I don't in fact have a choice...but I do.

So here are some of the conclusions that I came to.

What else is true about me?  Well…

I am a good wife

I am a good mom

I am a good friend

I love and hurt for others more than they realize

I am confident

I am sensitive

I think before I speak and a lot of time after

I am because I believe that I am.

And now all I can think about is that no matter what wear, how I feel, or what others think about me that I’m still 230lbs.  Do I want to be? No.  But I also don’t want to base the thoughts I have about myself of how others perceive me.  Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t care about others….It just means that I will simply be more aware that my thoughts about myself and the person I want to be are most important.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought” Buddha

Ironically before the completion of this blog post I was with my Friend when the following occurred:

He and I were walking around the building where I work, talking briefly about this particular blog post,  when walk towards a “very important” event happening with “important” people who have only seen him in a suit and tie and in a “professional” setting.  As we approached the large group of people milling around outside the event Friend stopped walking and said

Friend: Wait a minute. Unnamed Event is happening right now.  No. We can’t go this way we need to go around.

Me: Why?

Friend: Because, they can’t see me looking like this.

Me: Why? (with an ironically shocked look on my face)  What does this say about you?

Friend: Nothing.  Let’s just go around.

Me: No.  Then let’s just walk this way.

Friend: Sha’laun, don’t make me do this?

Me: Friend.  Come on!

Friend: Ok! Wait. (He takes a deep breath and we continue through the group)

Me: You ok?

Friend: Yes.

Me: (passionately and maybe with a little drama…) See!? That’s what we were just talking about!  Just because they might see you in jeans doesn’t mean that you are any less professional or change anything about who you are.

Needless to say it was GREAT timing.

Interacting with people and the world this way is the only way that I can find more truth about who I am and what it REALLY means.  I love this journey, and the challenges that it brings.  And the reality today remains that I am 230lbs…..and it doesn’t change any of the other truths about me.