What you see

And they think I'm so perfect.

Please. Don't be fooled.

Mixed in with this smile, optimism, and extroverted personality is a regular girl.  A girl with stuff.  You know. Real crap. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do try, but I still

Overeat
Feel apathy
PROCRASTINATE
Listen to those old stupid messages playing in my head
I perceive things that just aren't true.
I desire more
I fight to care
I cry
My heart breaks
I think mean things
I say bad words
I check out 
I do things I know I shouldn't

I do all of these things.  And all of this makes me real.  

This week was a very interesting week. As I am moving forward to creating a different life for myself I find that I was really struggling with food.  Let's just say it involves frosted sugar cookies....several of them....very large.  Tasty, but whoa.  Too many.  And for those of you who need details, I may or may not have had 8 so far this week. (And don't try to sit here and justify my cookie eating or compare it to your binge.  We all know when too much is too much for us.  Well, most of us know.)

I found myself feeling bad.  About me.  Not just my choices but my overall person.  I knew it was too far before the 7th one and I did it anyway.  So this may be some sort of a confession or maybe it's just putting it in black & white for the whole world to see.  I don't know.  But I don't like it.

And still, it is something that this smiling, optimistic, happy girl has done.  And I'm not saying it so that you can feel bad for me.  

I am saying it because it is true.

I am saying it because it is a part of the whole.  

Nothing more.  Nothing less.

This.  This is the difference between what you see and the WHOLE of it.  

I call myself an eternal optimist which means that I am always HOPING, SEARCHING, and SEEING things for the bright side.  Or the chance for change. I rarely give up on people and even then I don't.  I might recognize that I need to separate them from my daily life, but somewhere, I always hold hope for change. 

That's it. That's the difference.  So when you look at me and think, "She's perfect.  She's got it all together."  Please know that I don't.  BUT I will look for the good, the hope, or the understanding.  I will choose to see it.  Because it is there.

We are all whole. The good, the bad, and the ugly.  You and me both.