Where did you go?

There’s this crazy little lie running rampant in our culture…and it’s only going to get worse. We can do it all, they told us. 

But what do you want?  What do you really need?

A few months ago a friend of mine posted the following on Facebook.

Priorities...
1. God
2. My husband
3. My daughter
4. Work

I said “Don’t forget yourself” and her response was “Lol, oh yeah, and her! :)

Most of us have the acute awareness that something is wrong, but we stuff and stuff until we have convinced ourselves that it isn’t real.  And we actually believe it isn’t.

A few years ago life was going according to plan.  My Dude started grad school.  I was 7 months pregnant.  We both had stable jobs and our life was moving in an awesome direction.  It wasn’t until The Politician (my oldest, now 3) was about 6 months old that I realized something wasn’t right.  The short story goes a little something like this.

I had returned back to my full time job. We had a great day care provider.  My Dude was in his second semester of grad school and things were going fairly decent.  I wasn’t experiencing any postpartum and all other fronts were good.  Anyone who knows me knows that I consider myself to be an eternal optimist, always looking for the silver lining. Something was off.  I cried almost every day.   

One day I was on my way home and talking to my Sister, who just so happened to be going through her mental health clinical in nursing school, when I told her about the crying.  She paused, and said, “Do you think you are depressed?”  It was like the light bulb came on and I said “yes.” What I hadn’t realized was that I could have a regular productive life, still laugh every day, and be depressed.  She suggested I go see someone. And that’s what I did. 

During that time and those counseling sessions I learned and realized that I was at the very beginning of losing myself.  It had been something that I had picked up at a fairly young age. I learned, in those sessions, that I needed to do something for me.  That what I needed mattered.  It would still be a few more years before I fully understood it, but that was when the seed was planted.

How many times had I thought:

         I don’t want them to be mad at me.

         I don’t want to be the nagging wife.

         If I say how I feel what will happen?

         It’s not ok because I’m the “good one”

And a laundry list of other thoughts that continually discredited my feelings and input in the situation only to magnify the other person’s perceived needs.

Somewhere between our hopes and our dreams we get lost.  We start off thinking about all the things our life will be and end up valuing others, their opinions and happiness over our own.  Sometimes because it is what we are supposed to do.  What good moms, dads, husbands, wives, and children do.

Don’t misunderstand me, this is not a march towards a feminism view, really it is about being the first person on the priority list. Yes, there is a difference between being selfish and being a priority.  I promise you that if you think getting a massage, taking an hour to read, seeing a counselor, or telling your significant other how you really feel…You are NOT on the selfish side of this spectrum.  Learning how to take care of yourself and your needs, wants, and desires is HARD WORK.  And it will be the best thing you ever do, and usually for all involved.

My encouragement for you is to figure out a way to say the things that are hard in a way that values you and the person you are trying to tell.  It will feel awkward and incredibly vulnerable. That moment when you can barely clear your throat to whisper those words.  The more you allow that part of you to be heard, even if it’s just by yourself at first, the more you will be able to identify those feelings.  And if you’re like me, more outspoken and extroverted, it will require some quiet to listen closely to what your heart says. 

Understanding this may be the most important thing I ever do.