Insignificance

I struggle with insignificance.

There it is. In black and white.  A little truth about me.  Just seeing that sentence makes me want to slowly move over to the corner of the room.  And the other part of me wants so desperately to be seen.

A few years ago I was up early one morning reading Jillian Michael’s book Unlimited, and I can’t specifically remember what I was reading (though I may look later), when all of a sudden it hit me.  INSIGNIFICANCE.  I paused and thought.
 What?  I explored the idea as if I was afraid to really see it.  Like that moment when you’re in your house, think you hear a noise, and cautiously go searching for it hoping not to find anything.

INSIGNIFICANT

Wow. That was it.  There was a name to that part of me that I couldn’t explain. Why my sister says I get “woman crushes” (yes, another story) and why when I had always longed for someone to befriend me the way that I was trying to show up for them.

These days I am into definitions.  I do quick searches on a weekly basis of many random words.  English, as a subject, has never been my thing, I’m more of a math and configuration girl. (Yep, looked up configure to make sure that’s what I really meant). So again, I go to the internet to look up the definition.

INSIGNIFICANT- too small or unimportant to be worth consideration

That morning I knew that it was the missing link and until just now, I never took the time to look it up.  And as I read that definition for the first time, I started to cry.  It’s one thing to know what it means from your life experience but it’s a whole other thing to see it defined.  Those defined words are exactly how I have felt several times over many years. 

Some of the battle is having a name for it and the bigger part is recognizing its presence in my life, calling it out, and trying to move forward with it.  Recently I had an experience with an awesome woman who does mentor calls with me. We have a set time every week.  About 5 minutes before the call I was sitting with My Dude at our kitchen table.  I looked over at him and said “Help me to remember that if she doesn’t call me that it doesn’t mean anything. People are busy, she has a life, kids, and things come up”.  He said “ok”.  Right on time my friend called me and I felt a huge sigh of relief.  During that call I let her know that insignificance is a struggle of mine and that what I needed most was for her to show up.  To let her actions match her word.  Is she perfect? No.  But every time I share this truth about myself with someone else it has less significance and I’m learning to allow others to show up for me, instead of desperately hoping that they will.