Rejected by my husband

The days are like anything else. Completely normal, but the week was definitely busy.  We have two little ones and a lot going on.  Almost every night that week I was out of the house.  

He and I are in a weird season of life.  A lot of transition.  Many things unknown and up in the air, and again...two little ones.  (The 3 year old Politician is non-stop.  Non stop moving and TALKING)

That particular day I was feeling pretty disconnected from My Dude.  We had texted a couple times throughout the work day.  Checking in.  Trying to talk through a couple of things that were on our plate.  And communicating some things that I needed.

That night I was a Friday and I was finally home.  I decided to do the dishes and to put the boys down since I had been gone so much that week.  So after all of that it was nearing 10 p.m. and I finally went to hang out with My Dude.  Except, when I got downstairs to where he was he said to me

"Just go to bed.  You've been gone all week and I just want to watch tv."

Ummmm.  Ok.  

"And all that stuff you mentioned earlier...I'm just not feeling like doing it.  I need stuff too, you know."

REJECTED

Fail Well & Fail Often

Earlier this week I was listening to a podcast with Brooke Castillo that got me thinking about failure.  And of course my ears perked up when she looked up the definition.  

Failure: the omission of expected or required action

She explained how if failure is an a lack of met expectation..one that we set...that maybe failure shouldn't be such a scary thing.

About a year ago I decided I wanted to teach people about a natural health option.  My expectations were low and realistic. And I entered this new avenue with all the safety that I needed.  Two full time incomes and the ability to explore.  What I didn't expect was all of the self talk that I became more and more aware of.  The things that we tell ourselves without even knowing it. 

All I want to do is cry

You know that moment when the thing that you've wanted for so long finally comes true and all you can do is

CRY...

Wait.  What?

About 6.5 years ago the Dude and I moved from Texas back to Kansas.  We are both originally from the Kansas City area and were thrilled to be closer.  Living 2 hours away from home seemed like nothing.  We could go to KC and back home in one day if we wanted.

All seemed right.

But I don't know how...

Starting this post I decided to look up two words:

Intimacy & Vulnerability

Intimacy: Close familiarity or friendship; closeness

This definition was not to shocking.  And actually, it didn't quite give me that feeling of what I wanted to express.  Then came vulnerability.

Vulnerability: 1. Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded 2. Open to attack or damage

Ahhhhh. There it is.  That's what I was looking for.

What you see

And they think I'm so perfect.

Please. Don't be fooled.

Mixed in with this smile, optimism, and extroverted personality is a regular girl.  A girl with stuff.  You know. Real crap. 

Don't get me wrong.  I do try, but I still

Overeat
Feel apathy
PROCRASTINATE
Listen to those old stupid messages playing in my head
I perceive things that just aren't true.
I desire more
I fight to care
I cry
My heart breaks
I think mean things
I say bad words
I check out 
I do things I know I shouldn't

The shallow fill

A job I love.  Well, liked anyway.  It was good.  I worked at a coffee shop and had the BEST customers. Everyday I was behind that counter was in general, a good day.

I WAS ON.

I'm an extrovert and as much as I shy away from individual attention (see Insignificance) I love performing. But not that regular performing.  I grew up singing but am mostly terrified of solo performances....yeah...I don't know.  It's complicated.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, performing. I love it.  I loved hearing things like

"Shalaun, you make my drink the best"
"I love coming here!"

Or simply having a great interaction where we were slammed and the drinks were being delivered in a short amount of time and to happy guests.  

I WAS ON.

The one way to get everything you've ever wanted

When I was growing up I never had grand ideas of how I wanted my life to go and the older I got the easier it was to figure out what I wanted.

Like a lot of Americans I started my journey at 18, two hours away from home, and all alone on the new adventure of college.  And although several people in my extended family attended college, I was hoping to be the first one to graduate.  

College was good.  I got a job as a Resident Assistant and worked in housing the rest of my college career after freshman year.  My mom and I made 3 payments a semester towards tuition.  My family would help me out here and there in ways that I would have never imagined.  And the coveted mail box was filled weekly with letters from the boy at home (later to become My Dude).  It was good.  The only goal I had was to finish.

Halfway through my 4th year I started to feel it.  

Pressure.